Wednesday, December 07, 2005

lets not kid ourselves
by iggy

this shit is dead.

i'll probably pop out someplace else later with a different blog, unconnected to this one. the email address should still work.



p.s. it was fiction.

Friday, November 11, 2005

sometimes you eat the bear
by iggy

there's this hot ass russian bartender that works at this crap bar near elliot's house and we figured we'd go there and try to hump her. it was a simple plan, but somehow it went wrong.

yeah this is a bar i didnt think so either

the place always looks like its closed. that photo above is how it looks when it is open. the bartender lady bragged to us about how it always looks closed. "last week there was car rally down figueroa avenue" (picture this in broken russian accent) "must be two thousands of people driving past. we got ZERO people in here."

anyway the only people in this bar that night were over 40 and total alcoholics.

"free trade beer should exist" "you can pay extra if you want"

that guy in the fruity shirt was into elliot but it worked to my advantage. while elliot tried to prove he wasnt a homophobe i got to chat up the hot russian. turns out she lives in k-town, which SHOULD have played into my strengths since k stands for korean but it might as well stand for karaoke.

it went something like this

me: "oh ya k-town. you and me should do karaoke some time."
her: "yeah i dont know about that"
me: "i do a really good jim morrison just ask elliot"
her: "you want another drink or what?"

"did you know that 'carmen' is all about revolution?"

so elliot got sick of being hit on and started to play the piano. he's actually not that bad, even though he's changed the lyrics to all the songs to be pro-labor. i think maybe he was playing them to appeal to the comrade serving drinks, but she wasnt into him either.

when we were leaving the guy in the shirt invited us back to his place to see his "art". that's all he'd call it, "art", so i dunno what the hell it was. i didnt want to get eaten, so we left.

on the way home we ended up next to this wall with all this shit written on it and elliot spent FOREVER reading it all. i dont know what the hell it is.

"i met a girl, snowball in hell." wtf?

Monday, October 24, 2005

gay eye emm
by iggy

iggy: have you seen many films with those chars?
iggy: i have not
cleo: maybe it is just easier to see those kinds of characters in this society
iggy: yes but why
iggy: it is more accepting of them? i don't know
iggy: what is different than 20 yras ago?
iggy: womens lib?
iggy: god that sounds 60's
cleo: pffft
iggy: hahahahah
cleo: but i mean there are more avenues for that kind of expression these days
iggy: hmmm
cleo: especially with the internet
iggy: well obv
iggy: but
iggy: i think that the fact that women can do everything
iggy: from conception to graduation
iggy: means a lot
iggy: they can be wahtever they want to be
iggy: and fuck me
iggy: men
iggy: who cares what they thing
cleo: hahahahhahahahah
iggy: think
iggy: cause they can make kids
iggy: strue
cleo: best freudian misspell ever

Sunday, October 09, 2005

i am a pro thief
by cleo

So Iggy finally made good on the rum -- he even bought me a swank bottle of Appleton! No more Monarch practically-lighter-fluid in this girl's bloodstream, thank you very much. As gratitude, I will post another entry about my fabulous life style to his web log. (No tits though)

Last night LaSheequa and Aren and I biked to the grocery to steal some booze like usual. LaSheequa is the lookout but never the carrier because she's black (did you guess? smart nerd, you get a cookie) and if they caught her she would get in like twice as much trouble and beaten and stuff. Or so she says -- I think it's just an excuse to slut it up with the grocery bagger with the fewest zits.

Anyways, I stuck a bottle of vodka and some Sparks in my tote while Aren ran the stock clerk all over the store in search of some nonexistent vegan cheese and LaSheequa flirted with Nigel the bagger. Aren bought pomegranete juice as a diversion and then we left.

Well we biked to Davey's house (Aren's boyfriend, some 20 year old Marine) and busted out the vodka at his stupid party where everyone was playing video games and making out to R. Kelly on the stereo. Because they're all little bitches the Sparks went way faster than the vodka but still most of us were pretty wasted within an hour. Then more kids showed up and Davey yelled at us to go get some more booze. "Only if you play some Brothers Keeper instead of the fucking pederast parade" I said, and when he put "Bereit" on, the girls and I stepped up and went to score the goods.

We had this triple-efficiency operation going that time around... LaSheequa worked Nigel and the janitor while Aren and I each stuffed our bags, then we went to buy Popsicles while LaSheequa finally pulled her weight. Sucking seductively on our treats, we flashed some thigh for good measure and strolled out with probably $150 in happy juice.

god, where would this scene be without me? Probably peeing in car washes like Davey the wastrel here.

Overall it was a pretty good night but I think I still prefer sneaking into karaoke bars with Iggy and my brother and their geek friends. Well, who am I kidding, as long as I'm the center of attention and it's free for me, pretty much any Saturday night activity is cool. the world is your oyster when you're sixteen and hot shit.

Tuesday, October 04, 2005

surfing safari
by iggy

so on saturday elliot called me and said he wanted to teach me how to surf (like actually surf, not internet surf you howlees). i told him that i had played kelly slaters game a lot so it should be easy and he said he wasnt sure, but didnt i know that girls love surfers? fucking yes i had noticed.

so me and him and mark go out to this beach he knows about. elliot just got this case for his digital camera that makes it waterproof so he can take pictures in the water and he brought it with us.

mark surfs.

we went out in the water and they said that i should start by taking pictures and that way i could better see how its done so when they taught me i'd know more. so i took some photos of elliot and mark.

elliot surfs.

i took lots of photos of those guys and eventually was like "what the f? when will i surf" but it turned out that they ran out of surf wax and i never got to surf. they said they'll teach me some other time.

also, when this horse came by, i tried to start a new phrase by calling the horse "hung like an iggy". the guys didn't really take to it like i had hoped, so maybe you guys can start using it? its basically the phrase formerly known as "hung like a horse".

hung like an iggy.

at the end of the evening, we all went out to kareoke and it was fun until the guy running the show starting bitching at me. i had done a few duets and the guy didnt know that the other singers WANTED ME THERE. he threatened to kick me out. i mean, who sings "under pressure" alone?? and yeah, i agree that the same song twice in a row makes no sense, UNLESS its "la woman".

mark covering eminem

Thursday, September 15, 2005

by iggy

fucking dim sum. me and leo got tricked into going to dimsum on monday with elliot. he told us that it was the opposite of drive through cause "in communist china the food drives to you". so i was hoping for some noisy outdoor thing with chinese people racing around in golf carts yelling at me to try chinese french fries. THAT would have been the best thing to come out of china since fucking fireworks. but no.

after getting hassled by some black people on the train cause of leo's "celebrate diversity" shirt with all the different guns on it, we got off and got lost in chinatown.

elliot has no idea where he's taking us.

elliot thought he knew where the place was but clearly he didn't. oh and if anyone (leo) tells you that bootleg movies are all over the place in chinatown dont believe them cause I really wanted my own copy of 'white lotus' (best kung fu ever) but got nothing. apparently these people have started following the copyright laws. elliot blames the wto for it, but then again he also blames them for hurricane katrina.

some girl on the street is selling "cold drinks" so we ask her where the dim sum's at? she tells us about this place.

the place.

i dunno if you've ever done dim sum, but its not the kung-pao-rally-race that i thought it was. the carts go pretty slow and they yell at you, but most of them dont speak english. i'm sorry, but you're gonna have to speak some magical english to sell me on a $5 plate of broccoli.

$5 for broccoli?

the chinese broccoli did give leo an idea, though. he said he's gonna go buy a big box of oranges at costco and then sit out next to a stoplight with a sign that say "chinese oranges $2 each".

leo: "i know you want to taste a chinese orange."
me: "but they're just normal oranges?"
leo: "they dont know that. whats a chinese orange supposed to look like? you dont know."
elliot: "what if someone chinese drives by?"

that's it. then we left. dim sum sucks.

Monday, August 22, 2005

bicycles and radish graffiti
by iggy

friday me and elliot went to his bike club thing. if you start talking to elliot about public transportation he's really into it. but if you talk to him about biking or walking or whatever without any gas or electricity or anything, he pretty much gets a conversation boner on the spot. he calls it "human centric transport" or some shit. his club is all about raising bike awareness, as if there are people that haven't heard of bikes.

so i went with him last week. we ended up down near echo park with like 500 people on bikes. there were plenty of normal people there, but we hung out with elliot's bike buddies instead.

yes, that man is wearing horns.

elliot knows most of the local moonbats, but this week there was some new girl there, julie. now, julie is hot i'll admit it. but she's nuts.

julie told us about how she was way into radishes. actually, she's way into "radish piracy". this means she rides around LA and plants radishes all over the place: suburban yards, corporate lawns... wherever anyone's watering. then she comes back later and eats them.

it gets better. julie likes to spread the word about the radishes to los angeles by spray painting radishes on walls. she even brought her stencil and paint to the bike thing, just so she could get in some tags while we all rode.

julie's radish graffiti.

elliot says: "dude i was talking to her and i was like how did this start why do you do this radish thing? and she was all 'i dunno... i really just hate the suburbs...' and she went on but that was all i needed to hear and i think i am in love"

Thursday, August 18, 2005

domino effect
by iggy

good god have any of you actually played dominos? like really played it? i was taught some shit about connecting numbers but its actually much more complicated than that. i mean you always see rappers playing dominos and drinking malt liquor but i think those videos are staged cause dominos is basically a math competition.

this weekend me and elliot and the robinsons were playing dominoes at my house. they came over cause my dad had hacked the payperview channels and we were gonna all watch back-to-back pirate cable. leo was pushing for wrestling and elliot wanted this weird hai-lai sports shit from brazil, but i figured we were gonna end up down in the basement watching porn like the last time. but whatever, we didnt even end up watching anything cause the fucking power went out.

so we didnt have anything to do when that happened so someone suggested dominos in the backyard where there was light (and i can always use more sun cause rickets is serious shit). so anyway we bust out the set and the only one that knows the real rules is cleo. turns out everytime anyone puts one down, you add up all the outside numbers and if it divides by five you get that many points. and then there is some shit about spinners and rounding but i never got all that cause my mom kept bringing out these long island ice teas.

i was doing okay on the math at first but by tea #2, everything seemed divisible by five. i won the first game and elliot won the second, but once we started putting money on it, fucking cleo started getting better and better. that bitch has an alcohol tolerance like the girl from raiders of the lost arc. she should take a fucking clue and go fight nazis instead of hustling dominos in the suburbs.

Wednesday, August 10, 2005

hot lava and the turkish bath
by iggy

oh god today i had the shits real bad. see, elliot's mom has this thing for keeping wild animals as pets and this last weekend we were at her place. somebody had posted awhile ago to craig's list about finding a sick beaver and did anyone want it? of course elliot's mom wanted it so she did the email blitzkrieg in order to get the damn thing. but she was keeping it in her pool until the thing finally died and i think i got giardia or cholera or something from swimming in her pool cause now food shoots straight through me.

so the cholera or whatever became a big problem this afternoon. me, elliot and leo had just left "vision quest" (elliot's favorite place to buy glasses), and were driving over to tacobell for lunch. it hit me real quick and i'm sure you know the story: it feels all hot down near the exit hole, and you maybe try to fart but then really quickly see how bad of an idea that is... i know you all have been there.

so we roll into tacobell and i'm doing all i can to keep from ruining my undies (my pair from the '02 comicon. one day i'm gonna cash out and ebay them so i really need to keep them in good shape). the crapper needs a key (oh fuck the inner city, everything is like prison there) so i go up to the front to beg for one.

turns out the homeless lady in front of me wasn't arguing over the price of her encherito but was in fact arguing to get the bathroom key. i wasnt worried at that point cause i figure that homeless people get lots of fiber and that she'll be out real quick. but the chinese manager lady behind the counter starts to bitch about the homeless lady as soon as she leaves.

i then learned that when homeless people want to take a shower, they take over a tacobell bathroom and use the sink to do it. this pisses of the manager lady cause someone has to clean up all the wadded up toilet paper that they use as a towel. also, these showers can take awhile, cause its a small faucet.

so in the ten minutes that i had to hold in my hot lava, i got to listen to leo and elliot argue about homeless people and about "caddilac-driving welfare queens" and how eating garbage is "more sustainable" than actual food. also there were occasional groans from the lady in the turkish bath a.k.a. my occupied shitter.

i really should have left most of this out cause all i really wanted to show you guys were elliots glasses which i tried on when i was in the crapper (i had them cause he left them in my bag).

so here is me wearing each of them and underneath is what elliot calls these things. lemme know which one is the least retarded...

"the sexy librarian"

"the swedish architect"

the "marcello rubini"...???? wtf are these, safety glasses??


Thursday, July 28, 2005

raw deal
by iggy

OK CLEO! i'll fucking post already. i really never should have given cleo a login on this thing. she promised me tits and all i got was this lousy blog.

cleo says that elliot wont shut up about farming and i totally know it. he's been more annoying lately than reruns of the third season of dr. who (i'm sorry but two plungers and an upside-down trashcan do not make a dalek). somebody made a movie about dodger stadium and now all elliot can talk about is hugo chavez ravine. (what the hell is "kelo vs. london", anyway? i thought it was some new japanese monster movie, but the guys down at "mega manga mountain" haven't heard of it.)

so anyway, it was elliot's birthday last week and that meant we had to spend an entire dinner with him without telling him he's full of shit. elliot got to pick the restaurant and we had to pay so we ended up at this "raw food" place (no food can exceed 119 degrees or something). raw food is basically food for people who think vegans are pussies. elliot is of course vegan, so you can tell the whole time he's worried about being cool enough in this place. at the last second before we left for the restaurant he went and changed out of the free mumia shirt he was wearing and into his r.a.f. shirt cause "mumia is too america-centric".

now, don't get me wrong. there are lots of good raw foods out there like jello or peanuts. but the raw food people somehow feel the need to reinvent every normal cooked food in raw form. so they end up making food crimes like the "lasagna" i had that night. if anyone tries to tell you that pasta can be replaced by a nut paste, for god's sake dont believe them.

but the night at the raw place wasnt all bad. i got to watch leo argue with the waiter for five minutes when he tried to convince the guy to serve him an uncooked hot dog. i think they guys in the back got revenge by putting snot in my lasagna, but really the thing was so gross maybe that was just how it was supposed to be served.