Saturday, February 12, 2005

do I call the gnomes of zurich my "illuminati" or my "illuminatus"?
by iggy

today was the second friday of the month, which means me and randy and leo met up for game night at my house. tonight was different than most, though, cause randy made the mistake of telling elliot the hippie about our plans. between elliot and leo both being here and us playing "ILLUMINATI", tonight was just a staggering drunk waiting for someone to vomit on.

"ILLUMINATI" is a classic game. each player gets to control a different famous shadowy organization (example: "the gnomes of zurich", the "bavarian illuminati") and they use their power to conquer other organizations and build a powerful network. it's guaranteed fun, unless one of the players is a conspiracy nut that has spent far too much time on the wrong side of the internet tracks and insists on telling us all just how real this game is.

not only do we have elliot telling everyone that this game is an accurate picture of the world, but we have leo at the table who worships reagan, bush, capitalism and the american flag and feels its necessary to refute everything elliot says. I dont know how much time you've spent with hippies, but they are laid back about everything except politics. you can tell them you just fucked their wife, and they'll just give you a "far out... man" but if you say that you don't like affirmative action, they'll start throwing punches. elliot's no different.

so anyway, we start playing the game and things went okay for about the first forty-five minutes. leo even cracked some racist joke about mexicans and elliot just ignored it (randy and I laughed, but mostly to be polite, it really wasn't that funny). the problems really started when elliot found out that in "ILLUMINATI" you can have more than one person win the game. you see, if you do some trade or other action so that more than one person gets their victory conditions in a single turn, both people win.

so elliot gets this idea that the right way to play the game is to aim for everyone to simultaneously win the game. he's come up with this ridiculously elaborate plan so that we can all win the game at the same time. I think it's a waste of time (why bother playing at all if we're all going to win?), but before I can really shit talk it, Leo lays into him with:

"you fucking commies... you just need to socialize everything, don't you?"

and elliot comes back with "well, we have to, otherwise you imperialist assholes will trample all over us!"

everything went downhill from there. elliot starts ranting about the time Leo squeezed elliot's girlfriend's ass and leo claimed she was "the people's girlfriend and property of the state" and Leo starts to yell about when elliot tried to "nationalize" his MST3K collection.

so after the smoke has cleared, leo declares that he "doesn't care who the fuck wins but it sure as hell won't be all of us" and elliot says he doesn't care who wins so long as its not the "bourgeois piece of shit to my left". At this point, I just want the whole thing to be over with, so we can adjourn to the couch in the basement to watch the scrambled porno channel and drink beer. So we all agree that making sure randy wins as soon as possible will make us all happy.

This only takes a few moves to do with us all working together, and then the damn thing is done and randy's the winner. we leave the cards on the table and head down to the basement. but as we are heading down elliot says:

"well hey, we all worked together to get the outcome we all wanted. wasn't that nice?"

and as he and leo started shouting I made a mental note to never do game night again.

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