Friday, February 11, 2005

legolas and the path to geek hell
by iggy

so, last night me and randy watched "return of the king" again. Randy has a thing for legolas (and really, I think for orlando bloom, but I wouldn't say that if he was a reader of this blog). you know that really sweet scene in ROTK where legolas climbs up the elephant, kills everybody, and then slides off? well we watched that like five times (although the last three were really all randy, I could have moved on). After he saw legolas do that slidey-surfboarder thing in "the two towers", he wanted to buy a skateboard for weeks. then he finally got one and broke his arm on it, but that's a whole other story.

So, anyway, this morning, randy shows up at my house early and he has this bow that he's bought. He got it at sportsmart. He tells me that we're going out to the open-air archery range over in oak park. I tell him that I just woke up and he'll have to cool his heals here for a bit if he wants me to come with him cause I need to take a shower.

So I go take a shower and leave him alone in my living room. When I get out of the shower, I find out that he's opened the glass sliding door to the back porch and has been shooting his arrows through my living room, out the glass door and into the wooden fence that surrounds my porch. I find this out easily enough because my dad is yelling at him "what the fuck were you thinking randy?" when I get out. I tell dad that I said it was okay and my bad and can we talk about it later? cause we were just about to leave.

When we get to Randy's car, I tell him that shooting arrows in my house is not cool and that he owes me big time for lying to my pops to bail him out. he says that he didn't hit anything and no harm no foul and all that, but I'm not buying it and so he says he'll buy me lunch at popeyes to make up for it.

anyway, Randy and me pull up to the oak park open air range and head over to the shooting range. I decide that I am going to sit back and watch randy hurt himself, so I park it on nice patch of grass and start taking pictures.

randy on the left, unknown archery master on the right.

it quickly becomes clear that randy is completely talentless with a bow. the targets are these pieces of paper on bales of hay, and randy has a hard enough time hitting the hay, never mind the paper. But because he's a cheapskate and only bought three arrows, the guy has to keep walking back and forth to go look in the bushes for his arrows.

but just as I start to heckle him "hey legolas, I haven't seen such poor archery by an elf since the last otherkin meetup!" this guy comes over and starts to give randy tips on how to use the thing. he's telling randy how to hold the bow so he doesn't tear up his forearm and telling him all about the different string tensions and shit.

at first I think this guy is just some nice fellow that enjoys teaching archery and doesn't get enough social interaction in the rest of his life. but then he starts in with asking randy all these questions "don't you wish men still used weapons like these?" and "do you ever get the feeling that the most important events happened hundreds of years ago?", but it was "I am a knight looking for a squire. what are you doing tuesday night?" that tipped me off that this guy was just some nut out recruiting for the Society for Creative Anachronism.

randy looked like he was into the shit that this guy was talking about, so I panicked and said "Randy, my gall bladder hurts, lets get out of here" and then then when we were in the car I told him all about the SCA and why its members reside in the first circle of geek hell. he didn't seem to be buying it, so you can be damn sure I will be watching him closely next tuesday night.

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