Sunday, March 20, 2005

cleo is such a skank
by iggy

last night i talked with cleo on the phone for like an hour. for those of you that are just tuning in, cleopatra is leonard's sister, and i have previously blgged about how she is a bitch, but i kinda take that one back cause after this long conversation i dont think she is. cleo is way more down to earth than most of the other girls i talk to, most of whom the conversations stops at "sorry wrong number." i dont think she is a bitch, but i do think she is a total skank.

but i called leo's place last night looking for him because i wanted to know how to pass the third level of metroid prime, and even tho we are kinda still pissy at each other, he is the master at metroid and i would be wasting my time to be searching around online googling for "badass metroid walkthu".

so i call leos place and cleo answers. leo's not around because its his aunts birthday and leos parents insisted they both go. cleo got out of it, it turns out, because she faked some school project ("i keep showing those fuckos the same 'my side of the mountain' diorama, and they thinking its a new project.")

anyway, she says she's bored because livejournal has been down for the last few hours and what the fuck is up with me? at first there are the awkward pauses before she lets me know she doesnt know anything about metroid prime and cant help me out. but then she gets all personal on me and starts asking me these embarrassing questions:

her: haha. metroid. tell me iggy, what do you know about women?
me: pretty much everything. why?

and that was the start of the problems. first she started with the shock treatment about being on the rag:

her: so it starts out barely there. like pinkish. hints of red, but mostly other stuff.
me: what? like what other stuff?
her: like lady wetness. you dig iggy?
me: uuuhhh...
her: anyway then it becomes a deeper red. normal blood. what youd expect.
me: and...?
her: then it becomes this dark brownish reddish. like rust. like blood thats been around too long. its like rust in so many ways.

so at this point i tried to get off the phone. she held on tight though. she kept saying that she heard the garage door and leo's bound to be home at any moment. she said then me and samus will be hooked up if i just hang on for a second.

her: i hate virgins. i've fucked far too many.
me: yeah me too. virgins suck.
her: the worst is when you fuck a virgin without even knowing it. one time i fucked this guy who was so ridiculously bad in the sack, about five minutes into it, i looked at my watch. i just wanted it to be over with. but then he saw me look at the watch and his hardon disappeared. I was fine with it tho cause i was gonna walk out on him if he kept doing such a terrible job of things. anyway, we stopped at that point and he started to cry. he said i was his first. i was pissed. if i had known i'd have made sure he hadnt seen me look at my watch. now his ass will always remember me as the first and the one that was so bored. he'll probably need years of therapy because of me or something. if i get rich he'll sue my ass because of it. inadequacy complex or some shit.
me: ......

at which point i hung up. i didn't need to hear about every guy she's ever seen fit to lay. plus, the whole list is somewhat long, and DS-9 reruns were coming on soon, so i didnt want to sit and listen to it all.

but she called back!

her: iggy you bitch! dont ever hang up on me.
me: look cleo, i like being your shrink and all, but ds-9 is going to be on and i'm sure you understand...
her: fuck that iggy, i was getting to the best story of all.
me: is it short?
her: yes. so here's what happened. you every done it in the butt?
me: wha?
her: you know, the muddy starfish? if the front door's locked...
me: yeah, yeah, i get it, no i never done that.
her: anyway, i tried once. just a little. it was my idea. he didnt want to. but i convinced him. we were at his parents place. we'd do it there cause they were so down to earth and didnt care if they heard a 15-year-olds orgasm.
me: uh....
her: anyway. they walked in on us. with him in my butt. just a little, cause we were just starting. i dont think they knew. they were going out for breakfast on a sunday morning, and what the fuck ever happened to knocking, yeah?
me: yeah.
her: they're cool though. they just went out for awhile. we didnt really finish though, cause he was all creeped out.
me: i got to go. really. sorry.

so in the end i am pretty happy that cleo didnt suck me off that one night i told you all about. she'd know what she was doing, but i'd probably end up with herpes or something. she's a sluuuuut.