Sunday, April 24, 2005

matthew is a rapist
by cleo

So. today someone tried to start some shit. This morning I woke up to find this email in my GMail inbox:

To: Cleopatra Robinson
From: Matthew Wasserman

Hey Cleo,

How's your weekend so far? Only been a few hours so far I guess! LOL.... I was thinking that if you dont have plans tonight we could go see Kings Ransom tonight at the promenade. I think you are very pretty.

Matthew.

p.s. Did my answers help in that test on wednesday? I hope no one finds out about you cheating. That would be really suck.

First of all, i should have never given that little shit my email address. He told me that he was going to email me a link to the j-lo "unbearded clam" photos but then he just sent me a link to some blog entry of his that he thought was funny. I tell you, courtship among dorks is not very efficient. If matthew just asked me up front "will you let me stick my loveknob in your cha cha?" I'd just say "no" and we'd save ourselves all this trouble.

But this email was pretty clear, and I don't think i have to spell it out for you all. Even if iggys readers are twice as dumb as iggy, the message was clear. "IF YOU DON'T FUCK ME I WILL TURN YOU IN FOR CHEATING."

Now this is blackmail. Which, really, sortof is rape. I mean, forced sex? Is there any other word for it? I didn't think so (maybe "marriage" but I don't want to go there right now). So I really didn't feel bad about how dealt with this rapist.

I sent this email back:

To: Matthew Wasserman
From: Cleopatra Robinson

Matt, tonight is my mom's birthday. So no, I can't. But I can meet up this afternoon if you're free. Cum by my place @ 2???

;)

xoxo,
Cleopatra.


Of course my mom's birthday wasn't tonight, but he didn't know that. Matthew had a car and he came by at two, just as expected. I hopped in his car and really everything went to plan. He had acne in all the places I expected, and even one i didn't (shudder). We drove to that parking lot by the lake that is real secluded and no one ever goes to cause all the ducks died from the hunta virus or something.

It took almost no work to get him in the backseat with his shirt off. Getting his pants off took a bit, but when I showed him my pierced tongue, they slipped off real quick. The only hard part was avoiding his hideous kisses ("save the love for your soul mate, Matthew" worked)

Before Matthew realized what I was doing, I got my cell out ("oh shit, mom's calling, holdon") and I use the cam to take a pic of his little mathematician (with its purple manifold).

"Look, matty, I just emailed myself a photo of your wiener. If you turn me in for cheating this will get emailed to half the school."
"BUT I TRUSTED YOU"

Apparently some ladies actually read iggy's blog, so here's another tip for them: It's a fucking jungle out there. Read "The Prince" and remember that these animals only respect force.