Wednesday, April 06, 2005

no one likes a cheap funeral
by iggy

helen was a teacher. so when she died, the school offered up its big meeting room for her service. someone thought it would be a good thing to take them up on it and so we did. it was probably a mistake.

first, who wants to sit in those crappy school folding chairs for something like that? especially when her second grade class is there and every one of them gets a chance to come up front and talk about how she was the "bestest" or "really nice". i mean, if you asked these kids a week ago, they would have said she had cooties and now they think she is the bestest?

second, how hard would it be to get that automated school intercom disabled during the funeral? during one moment of prayer, some asshole came on to remind us about some after school crafts club.

and third, i know helen didn't leave much money for the service, but serving school food? i mean, i like chocolate milk as much as the next guy, but at a funeral??

i didn't know half the people there. was this one a girl or guy? i dunno.

after the funeral we were at helen's place dealing with all her stuff. no one knew what was in the will yet, so we were just moved her shit to storage so we wouldn't have to pay another month's rent. one thing we couldn't lock up in storage, though, was kirby.

kirby has diarhea issues

at first, no one wanted kirby cause he has serious diarhea issues. helens house has all these carpet stains near the door from times kirby almost made it outside (and other stains, like those hideous bedsheets). anyway, some time sunday afternoon, there was this rumor going around that helen had written kirby into her will in a serious way and everything changed. after that, all anyone could talk about was how big their back yard is or how good their kid is with animals.

at the end of the arguing, my uncle steven ended up with kirby. when everybody read the will on monday, though, all kirby got was the last of helen's supply of "depends". i think she meant it as a joke, but uncle steven didnt find it all that funny.