Thursday, July 28, 2005

raw deal
by iggy

OK CLEO! i'll fucking post already. i really never should have given cleo a login on this thing. she promised me tits and all i got was this lousy blog.

cleo says that elliot wont shut up about farming and i totally know it. he's been more annoying lately than reruns of the third season of dr. who (i'm sorry but two plungers and an upside-down trashcan do not make a dalek). somebody made a movie about dodger stadium and now all elliot can talk about is hugo chavez ravine. (what the hell is "kelo vs. london", anyway? i thought it was some new japanese monster movie, but the guys down at "mega manga mountain" haven't heard of it.)

so anyway, it was elliot's birthday last week and that meant we had to spend an entire dinner with him without telling him he's full of shit. elliot got to pick the restaurant and we had to pay so we ended up at this "raw food" place (no food can exceed 119 degrees or something). raw food is basically food for people who think vegans are pussies. elliot is of course vegan, so you can tell the whole time he's worried about being cool enough in this place. at the last second before we left for the restaurant he went and changed out of the free mumia shirt he was wearing and into his r.a.f. shirt cause "mumia is too america-centric".

now, don't get me wrong. there are lots of good raw foods out there like jello or peanuts. but the raw food people somehow feel the need to reinvent every normal cooked food in raw form. so they end up making food crimes like the "lasagna" i had that night. if anyone tries to tell you that pasta can be replaced by a nut paste, for god's sake dont believe them.

but the night at the raw place wasnt all bad. i got to watch leo argue with the waiter for five minutes when he tried to convince the guy to serve him an uncooked hot dog. i think they guys in the back got revenge by putting snot in my lasagna, but really the thing was so gross maybe that was just how it was supposed to be served.

Tuesday, July 26, 2005

the internet is for losers
by cleo

Iggy is a waste of a perfectly good penis. He can't even maintain a WEB LOG much less a non geeky job or my rum munitions. So I am forced to update it for him as I sit, sober and out of cigarettes, alone in my room on a Tuesday night. None of my special online friends are around tonight (have I been discovered? fuck) and Lacey's crew isn't speaking to me because of something I said about her boyfriend (it's true, it did look like the big dipper, anyways we are supposed to be beyond this "teenage acne-having boyfriend" scene). Ew. I'm on the internet alone "blogging" about a catfight. Now I know how Conor Oberst feels.

I'm going to do really well in college.

The only interesting thing that has happened around here is that my brother got a girlfriend. I had a nice, informative manicures-and-Bloody Marys afternoon with her once she got all cozy with the family and she left him so fast she put J.Lo to shame. Also Leo's friend Elliot has been coming by a bunch trying to "recruit" me for some youth summer program teaching Ecuadorean farmers how to farm organically. I finally told him I'd be happy to support purer forms of the "white lady" and he started to give me a lecture on cultural diversity and tolerance before he figured out what I was referring to and left muttering about the depravity of today's youth. If I hear one more passionate ode to Norman Borlaug, I'm going to wheatpaste his face shut.

Blogging fucking sucks!!! I'm going to go play scrabble with myself, at least that way I won't ruin my eyesight staring at a computer screen devoid of fat losers offering to buy me a Mac Mini. I'm not about to forsake genetic superiority for IGOR THE FUCK CORVETTA. Iggy, update your own damn blog, or at least buy me some more rum.

Monday, July 11, 2005

my stalker is also gullible
by cleo

When we left the depot, we went back to Sharona's place cause her mom is never home when we are skipping and she smokes so much she doesn't even notice when we each take a pack for ourselves from her giant stack of Marlboro cartons. She picks up a carton every time she picks up milk. You could figure that much out just by knowing she would name her daughter "Sharona." Also by walking into their living room and seeing the neon beer sign that has a woman with a crocodile head. It all adds up to weird, but free cigarettes so I'm not complaining.

Anyway, the girls are bitching about something someone said on AIM last night and I sneak off to check my email (shut up, I'm not as bad as Iggy yet) and when I log into Yahoo I get a message from Tubby. How the hell did he get to a computer so fast? He's like fucking Special Forces.
TubbyFuck: i saw u @ the depot omg omg i cant believe it
TubbyFuck: u r so fukin hot, even more than in ur pix!
TubbyFuck: lets go out for drinx toniht i have a supr nice hotel rm! ;)
Cleo: oh sorry! this is cleo's friend's mom, i logged in on accident!
Cleo: she must have been on this computer before she left this morning.
Cleo: cleo is at teen boot camp for 6 weeks.
TubbyFuck: no i saw u like 1 hr ago, ur lying
TubbyFuck: i love you so mcuh, i just want 2 make u happy
Cleo: well, like i said, cleo is gone.
Cleo: but i like your moxy, want to come over and have a drink with me instead?
TubbyFuck: pix plz
Sharona came in and I asked her if she wanted a new dad since hers is in jail for grand larceny (he was stealing crates of binder clips and shit from Office Depot in an effort to cut costs at his accounting firm, way to go asshole, that's officially the most boring way to earn a fourteen month sentence). She was like "Yes please, as long as he keeps the beer money jar full 'for mom.'" So I send Tubby a few pics of her mom, who has great hair and ankles but looks kind of like a crack whore half the time. Tubby is falling out of his pants at them and says he'll be over at six.

When Sharona's mom gets home later on, she tells her that she found her another blind date:
MILF: What's he look like? He better not look like your milktoast dad. Is he fat?
Sharona: Well, kind of...
Me: But he's very dedicated. I'm pretty sure he has some bucks too, but you gotta get it from him in person. Also, he is tan. [Everyone knows fat tan people are better than pasty-fuck fat people]
So we go out for the night and Tubby (whose real name is Neil or something) comes over and somehow he falls in love with Sharona's mom! And she falls in love with him too! I am totally confounded that it would ever happen, it's like a white trash california version of Hope Floats or something. So now they are engaged and I was right, the bastard DOES have money but wanted to meet me before he doled it out, and now their living room is filled with cigarettes and I can never go over there again. Unveiled, that is. I've had to dress as a strict Muslim so I can pick up packs of Marlboros. Anyways, the moral of the story is that the internet yields millions of unreaped riches housed in chubby, insecure treasure chests and anyone who rates at least a 7 and doesn't get in on the action is a fucking moron.

Thursday, July 07, 2005

independence day isn't just a great movie
by iggy

ok, i'm lame for not posting. I know the last thing people want to read about after a long out-of-bloggy experience is how sorry the blogger is for not posting. so i wont talk about that (even tho i am) or why i was gone.

but the 4th of july fucking rocked. the key to having a great 4th is to buy your fireworks in mexico. yeah, you can drive out to fillmore or some such shit and buy them (which is basically mexico anyway) but it's not the same. first of all, the american m-80's don't have little bits of ceramic that shoot out in every direction when you blow them. when you light mexican fireworks you take your life into your own hands. if you thought the rush from fireworks was from a loud bang and the fact that the neighbor guy who is playing monopoly by buying up and renting out half the block is going to come out and chew your ass out for once again depressing property values (oh god like the time we were filming the alien sex scene in our film "space race 2157") then you are completely wrong. the rush is SUPPOSED to be from the fact that these explosives could kill you or at least make you look like that guy in Robocop that gets hit with the toxic waste for the rest of your life.

so the 4th was badass here. randy's family took a quick trip down to mexico in june cause his mom gets all her painkillers down there and he brought back a minor arsenal of explosives. if iraq attacks us any time soon, they had better not try to come to our town cause we've got enough firepower to probably take down a large mechanized robot (or whatever else the iraqies got).

so cool shit #1 on monday was when we collected pinecones at the park and then made hand grenades by drilling holes down the middle of them and stuffing m-80's inside. oh god that was cool to see all the cats go nuts. the fuse is a bitch to get right, but work on it cause its worth it.

cool shit #2 was when the roman candle things he had picked up sucked and we cut them open and poured all the good stuff on an upside-down detergent barrel and lit it. leo almost lost his hand lighting that shit, but it was worth it cause it burned so bright the hills lit up and it melted the barrel it was on.

cool shit #3 was when we prank called elliot. he and some meetup friends were having an anti-4th-of-july party so we called and pretended to be from the department of homeland security. it was working for awhile but then randy started laughing after he told elliot they've been reading his email and "know all about the lolitas and stuff".