Monday, July 11, 2005

my stalker is also gullible
by cleo

When we left the depot, we went back to Sharona's place cause her mom is never home when we are skipping and she smokes so much she doesn't even notice when we each take a pack for ourselves from her giant stack of Marlboro cartons. She picks up a carton every time she picks up milk. You could figure that much out just by knowing she would name her daughter "Sharona." Also by walking into their living room and seeing the neon beer sign that has a woman with a crocodile head. It all adds up to weird, but free cigarettes so I'm not complaining.

Anyway, the girls are bitching about something someone said on AIM last night and I sneak off to check my email (shut up, I'm not as bad as Iggy yet) and when I log into Yahoo I get a message from Tubby. How the hell did he get to a computer so fast? He's like fucking Special Forces.
TubbyFuck: i saw u @ the depot omg omg i cant believe it
TubbyFuck: u r so fukin hot, even more than in ur pix!
TubbyFuck: lets go out for drinx toniht i have a supr nice hotel rm! ;)
Cleo: oh sorry! this is cleo's friend's mom, i logged in on accident!
Cleo: she must have been on this computer before she left this morning.
Cleo: cleo is at teen boot camp for 6 weeks.
TubbyFuck: no i saw u like 1 hr ago, ur lying
TubbyFuck: i love you so mcuh, i just want 2 make u happy
Cleo: well, like i said, cleo is gone.
Cleo: but i like your moxy, want to come over and have a drink with me instead?
TubbyFuck: pix plz
Sharona came in and I asked her if she wanted a new dad since hers is in jail for grand larceny (he was stealing crates of binder clips and shit from Office Depot in an effort to cut costs at his accounting firm, way to go asshole, that's officially the most boring way to earn a fourteen month sentence). She was like "Yes please, as long as he keeps the beer money jar full 'for mom.'" So I send Tubby a few pics of her mom, who has great hair and ankles but looks kind of like a crack whore half the time. Tubby is falling out of his pants at them and says he'll be over at six.

When Sharona's mom gets home later on, she tells her that she found her another blind date:
MILF: What's he look like? He better not look like your milktoast dad. Is he fat?
Sharona: Well, kind of...
Me: But he's very dedicated. I'm pretty sure he has some bucks too, but you gotta get it from him in person. Also, he is tan. [Everyone knows fat tan people are better than pasty-fuck fat people]
So we go out for the night and Tubby (whose real name is Neil or something) comes over and somehow he falls in love with Sharona's mom! And she falls in love with him too! I am totally confounded that it would ever happen, it's like a white trash california version of Hope Floats or something. So now they are engaged and I was right, the bastard DOES have money but wanted to meet me before he doled it out, and now their living room is filled with cigarettes and I can never go over there again. Unveiled, that is. I've had to dress as a strict Muslim so I can pick up packs of Marlboros. Anyways, the moral of the story is that the internet yields millions of unreaped riches housed in chubby, insecure treasure chests and anyone who rates at least a 7 and doesn't get in on the action is a fucking moron.