Monday, August 22, 2005

bicycles and radish graffiti
by iggy

friday me and elliot went to his bike club thing. if you start talking to elliot about public transportation he's really into it. but if you talk to him about biking or walking or whatever without any gas or electricity or anything, he pretty much gets a conversation boner on the spot. he calls it "human centric transport" or some shit. his club is all about raising bike awareness, as if there are people that haven't heard of bikes.

so i went with him last week. we ended up down near echo park with like 500 people on bikes. there were plenty of normal people there, but we hung out with elliot's bike buddies instead.

yes, that man is wearing horns.

elliot knows most of the local moonbats, but this week there was some new girl there, julie. now, julie is hot i'll admit it. but she's nuts.

julie told us about how she was way into radishes. actually, she's way into "radish piracy". this means she rides around LA and plants radishes all over the place: suburban yards, corporate lawns... wherever anyone's watering. then she comes back later and eats them.

it gets better. julie likes to spread the word about the radishes to los angeles by spray painting radishes on walls. she even brought her stencil and paint to the bike thing, just so she could get in some tags while we all rode.

julie's radish graffiti.

elliot says: "dude i was talking to her and i was like how did this start why do you do this radish thing? and she was all 'i dunno... i really just hate the suburbs...' and she went on but that was all i needed to hear and i think i am in love"

Thursday, August 18, 2005

domino effect
by iggy

good god have any of you actually played dominos? like really played it? i was taught some shit about connecting numbers but its actually much more complicated than that. i mean you always see rappers playing dominos and drinking malt liquor but i think those videos are staged cause dominos is basically a math competition.

this weekend me and elliot and the robinsons were playing dominoes at my house. they came over cause my dad had hacked the payperview channels and we were gonna all watch back-to-back pirate cable. leo was pushing for wrestling and elliot wanted this weird hai-lai sports shit from brazil, but i figured we were gonna end up down in the basement watching porn like the last time. but whatever, we didnt even end up watching anything cause the fucking power went out.

so we didnt have anything to do when that happened so someone suggested dominos in the backyard where there was light (and i can always use more sun cause rickets is serious shit). so anyway we bust out the set and the only one that knows the real rules is cleo. turns out everytime anyone puts one down, you add up all the outside numbers and if it divides by five you get that many points. and then there is some shit about spinners and rounding but i never got all that cause my mom kept bringing out these long island ice teas.

i was doing okay on the math at first but by tea #2, everything seemed divisible by five. i won the first game and elliot won the second, but once we started putting money on it, fucking cleo started getting better and better. that bitch has an alcohol tolerance like the girl from raiders of the lost arc. she should take a fucking clue and go fight nazis instead of hustling dominos in the suburbs.

Wednesday, August 10, 2005

hot lava and the turkish bath
by iggy

oh god today i had the shits real bad. see, elliot's mom has this thing for keeping wild animals as pets and this last weekend we were at her place. somebody had posted awhile ago to craig's list about finding a sick beaver and did anyone want it? of course elliot's mom wanted it so she did the email blitzkrieg in order to get the damn thing. but she was keeping it in her pool until the thing finally died and i think i got giardia or cholera or something from swimming in her pool cause now food shoots straight through me.

so the cholera or whatever became a big problem this afternoon. me, elliot and leo had just left "vision quest" (elliot's favorite place to buy glasses), and were driving over to tacobell for lunch. it hit me real quick and i'm sure you know the story: it feels all hot down near the exit hole, and you maybe try to fart but then really quickly see how bad of an idea that is... i know you all have been there.

so we roll into tacobell and i'm doing all i can to keep from ruining my undies (my pair from the '02 comicon. one day i'm gonna cash out and ebay them so i really need to keep them in good shape). the crapper needs a key (oh fuck the inner city, everything is like prison there) so i go up to the front to beg for one.

turns out the homeless lady in front of me wasn't arguing over the price of her encherito but was in fact arguing to get the bathroom key. i wasnt worried at that point cause i figure that homeless people get lots of fiber and that she'll be out real quick. but the chinese manager lady behind the counter starts to bitch about the homeless lady as soon as she leaves.

i then learned that when homeless people want to take a shower, they take over a tacobell bathroom and use the sink to do it. this pisses of the manager lady cause someone has to clean up all the wadded up toilet paper that they use as a towel. also, these showers can take awhile, cause its a small faucet.

so in the ten minutes that i had to hold in my hot lava, i got to listen to leo and elliot argue about homeless people and about "caddilac-driving welfare queens" and how eating garbage is "more sustainable" than actual food. also there were occasional groans from the lady in the turkish bath a.k.a. my occupied shitter.

i really should have left most of this out cause all i really wanted to show you guys were elliots glasses which i tried on when i was in the crapper (i had them cause he left them in my bag).

so here is me wearing each of them and underneath is what elliot calls these things. lemme know which one is the least retarded...

"the sexy librarian"

"the swedish architect"

the "marcello rubini"...???? wtf are these, safety glasses??