Wednesday, August 10, 2005

hot lava and the turkish bath
by iggy

oh god today i had the shits real bad. see, elliot's mom has this thing for keeping wild animals as pets and this last weekend we were at her place. somebody had posted awhile ago to craig's list about finding a sick beaver and did anyone want it? of course elliot's mom wanted it so she did the email blitzkrieg in order to get the damn thing. but she was keeping it in her pool until the thing finally died and i think i got giardia or cholera or something from swimming in her pool cause now food shoots straight through me.

so the cholera or whatever became a big problem this afternoon. me, elliot and leo had just left "vision quest" (elliot's favorite place to buy glasses), and were driving over to tacobell for lunch. it hit me real quick and i'm sure you know the story: it feels all hot down near the exit hole, and you maybe try to fart but then really quickly see how bad of an idea that is... i know you all have been there.

so we roll into tacobell and i'm doing all i can to keep from ruining my undies (my pair from the '02 comicon. one day i'm gonna cash out and ebay them so i really need to keep them in good shape). the crapper needs a key (oh fuck the inner city, everything is like prison there) so i go up to the front to beg for one.

turns out the homeless lady in front of me wasn't arguing over the price of her encherito but was in fact arguing to get the bathroom key. i wasnt worried at that point cause i figure that homeless people get lots of fiber and that she'll be out real quick. but the chinese manager lady behind the counter starts to bitch about the homeless lady as soon as she leaves.

i then learned that when homeless people want to take a shower, they take over a tacobell bathroom and use the sink to do it. this pisses of the manager lady cause someone has to clean up all the wadded up toilet paper that they use as a towel. also, these showers can take awhile, cause its a small faucet.

so in the ten minutes that i had to hold in my hot lava, i got to listen to leo and elliot argue about homeless people and about "caddilac-driving welfare queens" and how eating garbage is "more sustainable" than actual food. also there were occasional groans from the lady in the turkish bath a.k.a. my occupied shitter.

i really should have left most of this out cause all i really wanted to show you guys were elliots glasses which i tried on when i was in the crapper (i had them cause he left them in my bag).

so here is me wearing each of them and underneath is what elliot calls these things. lemme know which one is the least retarded...

"the sexy librarian"

"the swedish architect"

the "marcello rubini"...???? wtf are these, safety glasses??